I had this grand idea of trying to write posts about prematurity for prematurity awareness month and upcoming day on Nov 17th.
How many have I done?
Only one and I am a bit mad at myself about that but life tends to get in the way of grand plans and ideas.
While reading another blog post about prematurity (thank you Urbanflowerpot), my brain started running amuck with something’s she posted about it.
My experience with prematurity is one of shattered dreams and one of dreams achieved. My previous post for this month talked about how I worried about miscarriages. I had gotten to a point in my mind that I wouldn’t become a mother, a dream I always had and something I thought I was meant to be.
I did become a mother finally, and I even did it twice! My body didn’t completely fail me like I was starting to believe would happen.
I achieved my dream.
However at the same time dreams were shattered during my first pregnancy that didn’t end in a loss.
There would be no getting really big and uncomfortable. I did make to the third trimester only a foot step into it.
Because we didn’t make it past 34 weeks and 1 day, there was no having my baby and then basking in the enjoyment of giving birth and holding my son while my husband was there too.
Rather I saw him for a few seconds before he was worked on in the back of the room and then sent off to the NICU with my husband following.
There would be no baby in my room with me.
Rather I would travel down to the 1st floor from the 4th floor and down a trail of hallways to visit him.
There would be no going home with him when I went home.
Rather for three weeks, we would travel to the visit him. We would learn to change diapers in isolettes. We be asked if we wanted to help with his cares. We would wait for word about going home but only after passing a car seat test.
Finally our dream was achieved of bringing our baby home.
Eventually I would learn that we were having another baby.
Many fears, emotions, etc welled up within me. I had fears of going full term, wondering what it would be like, etc. I was also so excited at the possibility.
To try and have that dream with baby #2 come to true. We had to go through a lot, shots, doctors visits to the point I felt like I should just move into the clinic, ultrasounds (no complaints actually about those, I could never complain about seeing the peanut so much), etc.
Crazy thing with baby #2, after suffering my miscarriages I wanted to experience morning sickness, just to know things were o.k. Oh lord, did I have it with this baby.
I was hopeful we were going to make it to term until that day, 21 weeks along, I was sent downtown filled with fear and worry.
Baby was fine but things got real with this pregnancy.
Little goals like make it to 24 weeks as if the hospital wouldn’t do anything before that
Hopefully make it to 30 weeks.
First dream met, we made it to 24 weeks!
Then at 26 weeks and 3 days, the make it to 30 weeks dream was shattered. However the dream of becoming a mother again was met.
The dream of seeing him at least for a moment was gone. I saw him in a quick moment as the doctor passed him to the scrubs huddled in the corners of the small room. I wouldn’t see him until 2am in the morning. That was the longest 3 hours of my life.
The dream of holding him wouldn’t be met for 3 weeks. I would be able lightly touch him through the little hold of his isolette.
The dream of my older son meeting his brother would take 97 days to be achieved (unless you count the day they saw each other through a window).
The dream of seeing my son along side of my husband would only happen a few times as we usually had to take turns seeing Sam while the other hung out with Sebastian in the family room.
There were still no going home with my baby.
There were be drives to and from the hospital. There was hopes we would get him a little closer to home which eventually happened.
As with our first son, we would learn to change diapers in isolettes. We be asked if we wanted to help with his cares. We would wait for word about going home but only after passing a car seat test. However with Sam, we wondered would he go home on oxygen as he battled that and how would we deal with oxygen, cats and a 1 year old.
After he was finally home and the family together, it was decided we were complete.
So now there will not be chance to maybe make it full term. I will always wonder what it is like and will always feel like an outsider among those I know were are pregnant/were pregnant and made it to that epic moment.
I will never really understand the idea of of someone saying a 7 pound baby is tiny.
In the end, I am happy my dreams of having children were achieved but crushed that my dreams of a complete pregnancy will never happen.
Prematurity is a dream crusher that is for sure.